DAVO'S VIETNAM WAR HOMECOMING TO AUSTRALIA, JULY 1968

The Shared Responses - Characteristics

1. Memories: preoccupation with the veteran. Constant tension and anxiety because she "never knows what he'll do next." Critical or self-righteous martyr attitude because of "what he has put me through." Continual manipulation of veteran and/or circumstances in order to be in control in a situation that is out of control.


2. Isolation: may have few friends or be unable to relate to friends as she would like to because: Vet has alienated them with his actions or attitudes in the past. Vet has isolated family and/or is jealous of them. She has alienated friends because of her constant family hassles. The friends and family she does have tell her to "get rid of him."


3. Emotional numbing: Sexual problems. She feels that she cannot be truly intimate with the vet. Distrust of God, "how could he let this happen?" Low self esteem.  Escapes into fantasy world, TV, thoughts of affairs, compulsive buying etc. May  lean on children, friends, or mother too heavily for emotional  support.


4. Depression: sense of helplessness and hopelessness, "tired of trying." Sets self up for disappointments. Low self-esteem, evidenced by poor appearance, dirty home, etc.


5. Resentment: Resentment and bitterness developed over the years not only toward vet, but others. Withdrawal from vet and family emotionally. Constant fear and anxiety. May provoke or instigate fights or arguments with vet or take it out on the kids.


6. Over Responsibility: In an attempt to keep the family stable, may take over the financial and other responsibilities as well as the "wife" and "mother" roles leading to such traits as: think and feel responsible for others, perfectionism, feels safe when giving, nagging or silence, peace at any price, does things out of a sense of duty, feelings of anxiety, pity, guilt, need to "help" husband and others, harried and pressured, constant time pressure, blame the husband or children, for spot they are in, feelings of anger, victimization, un appreciation and being used.


7. Guilt: Guilt for having married a vet as well as guilt for thoughts of leaving him. Sorry for putting the children through trauma. Constant financial stress, never knowing how they will be able to pay mounting bills, how long will he work or keep a job. Feelings that "it's my fault. if I were a better wife, things would be different." Feels guilty about spending money on themselves or having a hard time just having fun. Feels guilty about everything. Fears rejection. Often comes from troubled, dysfunctional family.


8. Stress: Feels that if "one more thing happens, I'll loose my mind."  Over commitment to constant time pressure.


9. Denial: Denies that she or the children have problems..."after all, in spite of the circumstances, look at how well I keep it together." Denial that husband has problem or totally blames vet for ALL the problems. Denial that the Lord or others can help her husband or her family. "We have already tried everything and nothing has worked."


10. Partner and children of Vietnam Veterans can avail themselves of the counseling provided by the Vietnam Veterans Counseling Service free of charge, even if their husbands refuse to accept that there is anything amiss with their life.